"Every Man's Death Diminishes Me"

The title of this post comes, of course, from John Donne's famous poem that begins "No man is an island" and ends "Send not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee." While I can certainly agree with Dunne's broader philosophy, my thoughts at this point are more focused on how my life is now diminished by the death of my friend Edie Ewing on December 22nd.

One of the obvious realities of the finality of death of a loved one or close friend is that all contact with them is permanently cutoff or at least in this lifetime. That in turn leads to thoughts of the relationship when the person was alive, the good things we did as well as the not so good things or perhaps more importantly the things we didn't do.

I am blessed or cursed with an exceptionally good memory so that I tend to remember almost everything that I have done or not done. Unfortunately that memory is also accompanied by a tendency to focus on the bad things rather than the good things. A few years ago I was talking to a man who was a basketball manager with me at Rutgers over 40 years ago. He said that when he thinks about all the games we were part of, he doesn't remember the games we won (which far exceeded the losses), but rather the losses especially the bad losses.

I tend to be the same way in terms of relationships in terms of the things that I didn't do that I now wished I had done. In terms of my relationship with Edie there was one important time in her life when I now think she wanted me to do something, but couldn't bring herself to ask and I wasn't perceptive enough to figure it out for myself. Fortunately there weren't many of those moments because in a grace filled moment sometime after that a third person told me how much Edie depended on me and my friendship.

I will always be grateful to that person for telling me that because it enabled me to be more focused and I made it my business to visit Edie any time she was hospitalized as well as staying in touch with her on a regular basis. That's not to say that there still aren't some regrets, but far less than there would have been about that information. As I think about it now there are two things that were and still are a surprise - that my support could have been that important to her and that she needed support. Even after she became ill with cancer, Edie always seemed so self sufficient and I had my doubts and still do as to what I could do that would make that much difference.

Unfortunately I think that is a reality of the human condition, most of us are not conscious of how our behavior influences and impacts others. And even more unfortunately, we are even less conscious of how we can impact people in a negative way. Most of us, I think, don't believe that what we say or do has the power to hurt people to the extent that it does. My guess also is that one place where this is especially true is in how we relate to children especially our own.

As I am thinking about how to move forward now that Edie is gone, I am naturally reflecting on how I need to be more intentional about staying in touch with people. I certainly didn't do a great job of that in the last year of Edie's life and I am committed to doing better with others. In addition I also want to be more conscious of how my behavior has the capacity to both help and hurt people and try to do more of the former. There was another occasion many years ago where I helped a former co-worker through a difficult situation at a funeral where I found myself offering to do something I had no intention of offering. It turned out to be exactly what she wanted and I think the key was that I was there when the opportunity came around. In any event I hope that these are not just good intentions, but some things that I will act on and that writing them now will make me hold myself more accountable.